A Website for Sore Eyes

Optimise takes a humorous look at how NOT to design your website.

I don’t know about you but my patience is wearing thin! My job requires me to surf the internet on a daily basis, randomly mashing in URLs and checking for their usability and optimisation.

Most of the time I land on a page that looks like it was designed by a glazed snot-nosed student goofed on Red Bull and cheap Tesco’s cheese and pickle sandwiches.  What on earth were they thinking when they made the website? Buddha only knows. I bet you a Mars bar and a packet of hedgehog flavoured crisps he hasn’t heard of Duran Duran or Sid Vicious because all he hears in his car every morning before he gets into work is, “shizzle ma nizzle, boom boom wiki wiki waah waah in de house!”

No thought has been put into the site about the age group, sex or even the geographical location of the site to entice or even interest the viewer! I can hear it now; client walks into a web developer’s office:

Client:  Hi, I need a website to be built for my company.

Web Developer:  No problem sir, we have some of the most technologically advanced software in the world. At the touch of a button we can create you a site that will blow your customers away with the latest designs, widgets and a flashing what do you ma-call-its.

Client:  Sounds wonderful. How much will it cost?

Web Developer:  Well... let me put it this way. This site will be the first thing your customer sees of you on the internet. (Ok, so far this chap has it spot on) This site will represent your company on the great world of the internet. (Correct again) We need to be able to say to your customers within the first click what your company is about. (Holy banana sugar butties! 3 out of 3 so far) So how much would you spend on that kind of power, the power to impress your customer at a click of a button? (Oh ho, where’s he going with this now?)

Well from this point on now the web developer goes into a flat spin about graphic designs and flash pages and how he did work for Jimmy Mix a Lot and the Funk House Monkeys and some artist called Peter le de-Mont III who was the first person in the world to do a self portrait made purely out of his own snot.

After half an hour of showing him his portfolio and waffling on about the power of a Mac, he has now completely and utterly destroyed any chance this client has of making his site work for him.

He has not asked the client the most important question since Moses looked up and said,” How on earth am I going to carry these down this ruddy mountain?”

This client’s company sells insurance to Worthing’s toffee chewers aged 65+. They can’t see more than 20cm in front of them, probably colour blind, have a cateract in their left eye and think the CD drive on the PC their son bought for them for Christmas is a coffee holder (God bless the silver surfer!). What do you think the chances are of a retired person logging onto a website after spending 30 minutes on the phone to their son asking why the mouse won’t move or what an address bar is, then logging to a website full of flashing images and a tiny note at the bottom saying “click to skip intro”?

Game over! The customer has moved on saying, “I haven’t a clue what I saw but it gave me a headache.”

All this could have been solved with a single question, “What does your company sell?”
People are inherently lazy surfers and do not want to exert themselves, no matter what age they are.

To find out more about building a website that WILL work for you, give your consultant a call 0161 909 3411.